Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott (PDF)

Description

A proven plan for overcoming the painful end of any romantic relationship, including divorce, with practical strategies for healing, getting your confidence back, and finding true love It’s over–and it really hurts. But as unbelievable as it may seem when you are in the throes of heartache, you can move past your breakup. Forget about trying to win your ex back. Forget about losing yourself and trying to make this person love you. Starting today, this breakup is the best time to change your life for the better, inside and out. Through her workshops and popular blog, Susan Elliott has helped thousands of people transform their love lives. Now in Getting Past Your Breakup, she’ll help you put your energy back where it belongs–on you. Her plan includes:The rules of disengagement: how and why to go “no contact” with your exHow to work through grief, move past fear, and take back your lifeThe secret to breaking the pattern of failed relationshipsWhat to do when you can’t stop thinking about your ex, texting, calling, checking social networking sites, or driving by the house

User’s Reviews

Reviews from Amazon users which were colected at the time this book was published on the website:

⭐The book is divided up into 9 chapters, some more helpful than others depending on where you are in the breakup. The chapter on grief is especially comforting as is the idea of “being in the middle of the breakup process”. The central concept of the book is that when you come face to face with your inner pain, do not retreat. And it is pounded home to you that unless you do the hard work of letting the pain teach you a new way of thinking and loving, you will repeat the same mistakes over and over and never clear the wreckage of the past.I didn’t buy this book to get past a short term break up. I bought this book after a 30-year relationship (28-year marriage) imploded. I bought this book because I cried for 6 months, got blazingly angry for the next 6 months while learning to be alone for the first time in my life. This book pointed out to me that I am struggling because I cannot or will not stop trying to communicate with my ex. This is the first book that told me straight up to stop trying to communicate because it is keeping me from separating from emotionally, physically, and psychologically. It also told me that being friends with my ex is a losing strategy. Maybe years down the road but not anytime soon. If your ex didn’t love you enough to work on the marriage or relationship, why would you want to be friends with them? If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out on their own. You will never be the one to convince them.There is a lot more like that in the book. The urge to search for meaning in the breakup. The reason you should not date right away. Why the relationship inventory can help. What a broken “chooser” is and how to disengage from it. Forgiveness rarely happens all at once. When we stop people pleasing, people are not pleased. I found this book one of the more lucid and clearer. It did actually aid me in getting past my break-up. It will probably help you, too.

⭐I bought this book about two years back while going through an extraordinarily dire situation in my life precipitated by a soul wrenching breakup amidst a raging recession threatening my source of income. I was desperately looking for anything and anybody who will help me. I went to the local bookshop for anything that will give me a magic potion. No book on the topic seemed to work for me at all till accidentally I came across Susan Elliott’s blog and bought this book in a moment of desperation. I was convinced this was also destined to be another futile attempt.I was wrong.Susan Elliott’s “Getting Past Your Breakup” is not an ordinary run of the mill post-breakup self-help book. Of the many books I have read on a variety of topics in my life, this is one that gets everything right. Yes, I repeat – it gets everything right! This is not a cliche or a hyperbole.Susan very deeply understands what an end of a personal relationship means through her remarkable and inspirational personal journey. She analyses with clinical efficacy, the very core of the hurt, tears, self pity and appalling loneliness that threatens to sink you. The book clearly lays out the psychological and philosophical crossroads that your life has become after your loved one has left you. This is the book’s starting point and every chapter thereof gently reminds you that the breakup is all about this personal crossroad and the choices you will make henceforth and not about that other heartless person who is so tormenting you right now.The first part of the book is all about first aid. The best and most effective life saving first aid that is there on this issue. Whereas a tonne of post-breakup books hurriedly state the obvious and quickly start suggesting steps without any nuance or subtlety, Susan manages to keep it simple and stress the most important first steps to get back on your feet. By the time you are done with the first part you will already build a personal bond with Susan and listen to her like your elder sister or mother.However, it is the next part what will probably change your life forever if you stick with it. Stressing the importance of detailed self analysis through her remarkably effective method of relationship and life inventories, the book will help you both heal and strengthen. With the stress on self focus and attention to details about things that can derail recovery, you will steadily progress. Yes, the process won’t go linearly and there will be moments where you will feel you are sliding back. Don’t despair, just re read the book, follow the described algorithms and read her blog.After due course of time you will realize an amazing change in your life. It is guaranteed that you will feel you have improved in every possible dimension of life and as the book promises, you will indeed thank the breakup immensely as a legitimate price for an incredible personal development. A positive development which among other things will help you highly decrease the odds of falling for the wrong kind of people again in future.To sum, if you are going through a painful breakup and looking for help, consider buying this book. This is worth the price and much more. The dark forces of your emotions can be very powerful and may not let you recover properly and quickly if left to the vagaries of time. Agreed that time does heal but the rate will be slow and you may unknowingly carry over a baggage from here which you must not. The baggage that will once again force you to fall for the wrong people and which will come down like a tonne of bricks when that also blows up on your face.

⭐Chapter 1 – Road Map to Healing • Maybe there is no one else? She just fell out of love one day. • That’s even more baffling! Wait, you’re choosing nothing over me? • Or she has spiralled into some other mindset or is depressed. • Forget about changing yourself so this narrow minded person will love you. • Best option is to heal properly and learn new ways to put together a healthy and wholesome life. • Nature abhors a vacuum. Something must fill the void of your ex. • Setting boundaries is the key to a healthy loving relationship. • Going “no contact ” is difficult, the rewards are many.Chapter 2 – Rules of Disengagement (Going NC) • If you reach out you stall the moving on process. You can’t find the new while you’re holding on to the old. • You need to transition to your new and wonderful life. • Trying to be friends with your Ex is a losing strategy most of the time. • There needs to be time apart to break the bond of the couple. • You don’t need answers to find closure. The closure comes from within you. • At some point you have to accept that “it is what it is.” You need to accept that you will not have all the answers. • If your ex dumped you and you think it was wrong, then THEY need to figure it out in their own heads. • Accept the fact you think differently and let it go and find someone you’re compatible with. • Don’t get sucked into it. Let your Ex think whatever they want. • It’s not healthy to expend energy trying to convince someone who doesn’t want to be convinced. • Save your energy for building your new life. • Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you once knew has ended. • NC means you don’t speak unless it’s necessary. • Keep your side of the street clean, even if your Ex doesn’t. • The first thing with NC is to make the decision that you’re not going to contact your Ex no matter what. • Make a list of steps to delay replying to emails/message so your response is not impulsive.Chapter 3 – Grief as the Feeling Healing • Even if you know it was for the best, it’s still a loss. • If you did things wrong, you have to come to terms with it, accept it and move on. • Acceptance is understanding what has happened and that it cannot be changed. • After the phase of acceptance there is a profound reorganisation of a person’s life.Chapter 4 – Taking Care of Yourself • Obsession is defined as recurrent, intrusive thoughts. • Combatting obsession takes decision and discipline. • To stop obsessive thoughts and ruminations make detailed lists of what you what to but or do to give your mind a new focus/anchor. • As you move past obsessive thinking , the planning and goal setting should become a bigger part of your daily self-care. • Write a letter to yourself (not to send). Sometimes just the act of writing gets it out of your system. • Sometimes the person we thought we knew, changes right before our eyes. • Mantra to be said three times when ruminating: “It doesn’t matter.” • Make journaling part of your everyday life. • Grief is about letting your feelings out and success is about positive self talk and planning. Journaling allows you to do both.Chapter 5 – Making Things Easier for Your Children • Children need you to be strong to help them navigate the divorce world. • When someone moves out the remaining family is a new family. • Reinforce good behaviour with thanks. • Develop your post-breakup relationship with your ex like a business relationship. • Don’t bad-mouth your ex or use a child as a sounding board. • Remember your ex is still your child’s parent. • Wait a year after separation to link up with a new partner. The kids need to have you to themselves for a while after the separation. • Let your new partner know that your children are your fist priority. • Children always appreciate quality time. Make each of them know that they’re special. • Say, “I love you” and give hugs a lot.Chapter 6 – Big Picture into Focus • Write a relationship inventory to see the relationship for what it really was. This is the only true way to grieve the relationship. • Final and full forgiveness is very freeing. • The letting go ritual – write a goodbye letter then burn it. • Other letting go rituals is removing all physical reminders of your ex.Chapter 7 -Setting Boundaries • Strong boundaries allow good relationships.Chapter 8 – The Path to Love • To be happy with someone else, it’s important to be happy alone first. • The 15 rules of healthy dating. • Accept rejection in dating and don’t take it personally. • NC is about dignity, your space and building your new life and to find someone who does love you and care about you.

⭐My recent breakup has thrown me into some of the lowest and darkest days of my life. The one silver lining is that this book has been there to reach down and offer me a hand.Do not get me wrong, this book will not immediately release you from your pain. But with time and effort, it will speed up the gradual process of recovery. I can only speak from my experience, but working through a book written by an experienced grief therapist helped me feel like I was making progress right from the beginning. Through some of the darkest hours I could turn to this book, and it would make me feel like I was on the road to recovery. The first few chapters help with this, as they offer background information on the process grief that provide some sense of clarity. That, alongside many real quotes of other people going through a similar experience build a sense of shared experience, which helped me to feel supported and less isolated.Further down the grieving road you will come to arguably the best chapter of this book: the relationship inventory. This helped me more than I could ever have imagined. As the title explains, Susan guides you through questions that help you to rationalise your thoughts, nudging me from my inconsolable state to one with more reason. The book makes you go though every area of your relationship, both good and bad. This is hard. Sometimes very hard. But it ultimately guided me towards seeing the relationship for what it was, and broke me free from perpetually ‘splitting’, where I would remember only the good times. Seeing the relationship for how it truly was allowed me to grieve more fully.Sadly, there is no miracle cure. I’m now one month on and things are still hard. But I know I sit in a much happier place thanks to this book. If I could give the book ten stars I would. It is a lot of work, especially on top of normal life struggles that will seem so much harder now. But for me, it was worth every bit of effort.Remember, you are not alone. Good luck.

⭐I was coming out of an emotionally scarring and confusing breakup, feeling completely lost and heartbroken and worthless. This book saved me. It helped me to think rationally and honestly about the relationship, about myself and about my previous relationships. Susan’s approach to improving your self esteem and enriching your life has changed me significantly in a short space of time. It doesn’t just help you to heal, it helps you to become your best self, stop repeating the same patterns and live a happy and full life. You don’t have to be out of a breakup to buy this book and have it change you, it’s for everyone who wants to live their best life.

⭐The tools and program in this book were hugely helpful during those difficult, early days of my marriage break-up. Packed with useful exercises, the book gives you everything you need to survive and keep your head above water while you feel like you’re sinking. My experience will always be somewhere in memory, but they don’t hurt anymore, that’s for sure. Highly recommended as part of a recovery plan.

⭐Coming out of the most emotionally heart wrecking breakup I have experienced in the last decade I can say this book was exactly what I needed. Having read a few books in overcoming breakups this one was by far the most useful providing a great mix of personal experiences, exercises and advice. It takes some time to do the work needed fully, but it’s so well structured and it’s relatively easy to go back and do what is needed.I found the inventory exercises in particular very useful and though I can’t say I am past my breakup just yet, this definitely provided a welcome piece of the puzzle that will eventually be completed upon full recovery. Thank you Susan for creating such a wonderful resource and for your continued support to so many out there.

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