Mothers Who Can’t Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters by Susan Forward (PDF)

Description

With Mothers Who Can’t Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters, Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of the smash #1 bestseller Toxic Parents, offers a powerful look at the devastating impact unloving mothers have on their daughters—and provides clear, effective techniques for overcoming that painful legacy.In more than 35 years as a therapist, Forward has worked with large numbers of women struggling to escape the emotional damage inflicted by the women who raised them. Subjected to years of criticism, competition, role-reversal, smothering control, emotional neglect and abuse, these women are plagued by anxiety and depression, relationship problems, lack of confidence, and difficulties with trust. They doubt their worth, and even their ability to love.Forward examines the Narcissistic Mother, the Competitive Mother, the Overly Enmeshed mother, the Control Freak, Mothers who need Mothering, and mothers who abuse or fail to protect their daughters from abuse. Filled with compelling case histories, Mothers Who Can’t Love outlines the self-help techniques Forward has developed to transform the lives of her clients, showing women how to overcome the pain of childhood and how to act in their own best interests. Warm and compassionate, Mothers Who Can’t Love offers daughters the emotional support and tools they need to heal themselves and rebuild their confidence and self-respect.

User’s Reviews

Reviews from Amazon users which were colected at the time this book was published on the website:

⭐People who have cut ties with their toxic parents usually face more criticism when their toxic parents get old or sick, and this is always a loaded topic. I have struggled in this difficult situation for 18 years. My mother is poor and always needs money ( she refuses to work since the age of 37 ), divorced, and I am her only child. I wanted to make her happy and be a good daughter. I worked hard to support her financially for 18 years, be her substitute spouse and parents ( she refuses to start a new life ). But 18 years later, I found that the more you sacrifice your own needs to satisfy her unjustified demand, the more she felt entitled for. You owe her because you are her only child. If you don’t do whatever she wants you to do, or don’t give her the amount of money she asked, she feels that she is entitled to make your life miserable, just because she is old, poor, and alone, as well as the fact that I’m her only child. Some people say toxic people can’t change. I’d like to say toxic people can’t change for better, but they can easily change for worse. They use being old, poor, or alone as a golden opportunity to manipulate, control and use you to an unlimited level. She knows those are your hot buttons and she know when she press those hot buttons and say jump, you will immediately respond “how high?” If you turn your back to her, she can easily turn you into a bad person in the eyes of outsiders who never have had such an experience, but are certain that you should do more for your mother. There is no too low in a toxic mother’s mind to get what she wants and use you. She just wants to move you like a chess piece on a chessboard so she can win. Some outsiders even told me she is your mother, you are her only child, just give her money and do whatever she wants to make her happy. It is your fate. This is simply not right. It is manipulation and control through emotional blackmail in order to satisfy her unjustified demands. They forgot one fundamental element to keep any family relationship alive and that is love. Love makes people feel good, relaxed, peace, safe, and respected, but not off balance. People have limits. After 18 years of struggle, I’ve had to cut ties with my mother. I love the words put together by Dr. Susan Forward in her book “Mothers Who Can’t Love” as she speaks for my experience and feeling: “You may be surrounded by friends or family members who are certain they know what’s right for you and your mother. But you are the only one who knows what you can handle, and what you need to do to preserve your own health and sanity. Your mother’s illness or widowhood isn’t an excuse for her to behave badly. It doesn’t obligate you to tolerate having your life turned upside down, despite great pressure on you simply to go along with her requests and demands. You need to stand up for yourself, difficult as that can be… If you’re faced with a mother in crisis and have trouble putting yourself in the picture according to expectations set by others, fall back on your assertiveness, your non defensive communication, your boundary-setting… if you still feel torn or guilty, remember how much of your life you spend as the one for whom promises were rarely kept, the one whose needs rarely mattered. The neglected side of yourself is still there inside you, healing now because at last it sees you honoring it and all you can be – remember that when you think your needs count for less than someone else’s. Your well-being depends on it.”

⭐As a daughter of a narcissistic mother, my therapist recommended this book for me, along with continued counseling. This book has told me exactly what I needed to hear and how to cope as well as next steps. Very strange to read my story in the pages but helped me to know that I’m not alone. Very necessary in my healing journey. I highly recommend this book. And read it even a few pages at a time. I have learned there is no time limit on healing. God bless you, daughters.

⭐Or… Better Late than Never !My mother was not a bad person; however, I believe that she didn’t know any better possibly because she was raised by a toxic mother herself.I was an only child and a “daddy’s girl.” Unfortunately my father died shortly after my seventh birthday. His family (he was one of eight) had nothing to do with us after his death and, since mom was also an only child, we didn’t have any family except great aunts and uncles. We belonged to our local church where we were very active; but mom didn’t have any close friends. I was treated very kindly by the people in the church and, in a way, they became my family (sort of). Appearances were always very important to mom. I knew that something was wrong but I didn’t know what. There was no one to talk to (and I was shy). No one ever picked up on my problem and I, because of my youth and inexperience, thought that I was bad for even thinking that something was wrong. For years I tried to make mom happy because she constantly reminded me that “You’re all that I’ve got !” She was jealous of both my relationships and of my sucesses in life.I’ve been in and out of therapies. At the very first time (in my twenties), the doctor suggested that I was overreacting ! About twenty years ago I read Susan Forward’s first book, “Toxic Parents” and it was truly an eye opener.Now I’m in my mid-60’s. I can’t help but think how my life might have been different if I had access to Ms. Forward’s books in my twenties or younger.If you are going through ANYTHING like what I went through buy this book or “Toxic Parents.” It could be a Lifesaver !PS – I only gave the book four stars because I haven’t finished it yet… Read it slowly so it sinks in.

⭐I highly recommend this book. However, I hope that other readers doing the first exercise in the book consider other ways of sending your “truths” out into the world instead of using the authors recommended balloon release. I personally released my “truths” by sending them to float down a river with a bundle of flowers instead. Please do not release a balloon. :/

⭐If you’re looking for a book to bring clarity and healing, please know that there are several superb books on this subject…and this isn’t one of them. Out of the many I’ve read, this is the worst…potentially even harmful to readers that are trying to heal from a loveless upbringing.The author divides the ‘types’ of unloving mothers into 5 categories: The Narcissistic Mother, The Overly Enmeshed Mother, The Control Freak Mother, Mothers Who Need Mothering and Mothers Who Neglect, Betray and Batter.These are reasonable categories that will ring true for a lot of people. But a category doesn’t make a book. The author reveals such a shallow understanding of each of these dynamics that I was astounded. At page 112, after being increasingly appalled by the ignorance of the author, I came to this statement and had to put the book down and write this review:”In an abusive marriage, the mother becomes a terrified child – far more concerned with defending herself against physical or emotional violence than she is about keeping her daughter safe. She hides – sometimes using her child as a kind of shield to take the brunt of the abuser’s treatment – instead of taking the necessary steps to get the abuser out of the house.” -This flitting, thin-slicing, shallow statement shocked me to the core and shows an utter lack of understanding the dynamics of domestic violence/abuse. Although this portrait of a mother in an abusive relationship may be the case for a tiny fraction, it is far from the reality in the majority of cases. If you are the child of a parent who was abused or abusive…read Lundy Bancroft’s ‘Why Does He Do That: Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men’ – it is a brilliantly researched masterpiece that really saves lives. It will provide the level of deep understanding to help you to truly heal from this kind of childhood. Another of his books, ‘The Parent as Batterer,’ is the classic reference that provides guidance for Judges and Prosectors in cases like this. Mother’s Who Can’t Love doesn’t even attempt to provide anything beyond the shallowest introduction to the subject and I feel confident the author has never reached a level of understanding herself.But that was only the ‘final straw’ – the lack of understanding this author showed for narcissism and narcissistic abuse was equally astounding. The author essentially thin slices narcissistic mothers as ‘competitive’ and ‘jealous’ of their daughters. You will find little, if anything, in the authors level of understanding to bring you a level of clarity about narcissism; clarity that is essential to set boundaries and heal. If looking for a good starting point for understanding a potentially narcissistic mother, or if you are sure that your mother is one, then I would recommend ‘Children of the Self Absorbed’ by Nina Brown. The first 40 pages of this book will be profoundly awakening and it just gets better from there.For the ‘Control Freak’ Mother – another of the categories in this book – the author reveals the same lack of understanding of abuse and domestic violence as she does in the Mothers Who Neglect, Betray and Batter category. If this was your experience, again read ‘Why Does He Do That’ by Lundy Bancroft…and just switch ‘he’ to ‘she’ and you will have a superb guide to understanding and healing.Another important area to explore if your mother was unloving is sociopathy (not even mentioned in the entire section of Identifying the Mother Wound, where the author describes each of the 5 categories of unloving mothers). How can one not include sociopathic mothers in a book on this topic? Surely ‘unloving’ and ‘lack of empathy’ is a significantly researched area of psychology and psychiatry. Some mothers can’t love…because they can’t love…full stop. There are several important books on this topic and a good place to begin is ‘The Sociopath Next Door’ by Martha Stout. It’s an older book (published 2005) in a rapidly growing field, but provides superb examples of seemingly ‘normal’ people who are sociopathic. It’s a must read for those who experienced a loveless childhood, even if their mother wasn’t a sociopath, as those that grow up like this are often so in need of love that they can fall victim to sociopaths in adult relationships. So studying sociopathy (not even touched upon in Mothers Who Can’t Love) is essential for recovery from a childhood, and adulthood, with a mother who didn’t love you.There are many people who truly need help after surviving (and continuing to survive) an unloving mother, and having such an incompetent, ignorant therapist write such an appalling shallow and misinformed ‘best seller’ is profoundly disheartening. My heart goes out to each and every person who grew up without a mother’s love and I wish you every success with healing and embracing the life, and love, that you deserve.

⭐A very good read for any daughter of a difficult mother. The book is divided into two parts. The first describes in four categories the types of narcissistic Mothers. I believe that you have to allow overlapping characteristics from one category to the other. The description of narcissistic Mother personality in the first part is spot one for me. The second part concentrates on the part of recovering from the emotional pain and stigma that growning up with an unloved mother that stays with you. I do like the concept of trying to remember, relive and remove the painful experiences from your childhood. The best thing about this book is like having a phycologist helping you to your road of recovering. Highly recommended it.

⭐BRILLIANT! BUY IT! I wish I had read this 30 years ago – oh how I wish. You can ditch all the other self help books if your problem is a sad and difficult relationship with your mum, whom you have spent your life trying to win approval and love from – THIS IS YOUR BOOK!

⭐The author definitely knows what she’s talking about and it often feels like she’s standing by my side holding my hand while she talks. Her years of experience are obvious through this lecture.I wish I read this book 10 years ago. I cannot rate it high enough on here, but I can definitely recommend it to anyone trying to understand themselves and how the connections formed with their carers shaped their thoughts and behaviour!This book along therapy helped me overcome guilt and shame.

⭐This book is really good and describe very well the different types of mother who can’t live. If you are in recovery or it’s interested in learning more about it, I definitely recommend it !

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