She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) by Ian Kerner (PDF)

Description

“Every man’s must-read. Tell your guy to put down the remote and pick up She Comes First.”—Cosmopolitan Ian Kerner offers a radical new philosophy for pleasuring women in She Comes First—anessential guidebook to oral sex from the author of Be Honest—You’re Not That Into Him Either. The New York Times praises Kerner’s “cool sense of humor and an obsessive desire to inform,” as he “encourages men through an act that many find mystifying.” An indispensable aid to a healthier, more fulfilling sex life for her and him, She Comes First offers techniques and philosophy that have already earned raves from the likes of bestselling author and Loveline co-host Dr. Drew Pinsky as well as Playgirl magazine, which cheers, “Hallelujah!”

User’s Reviews

Reviews from Amazon users which were colected at the time this book was published on the website:

⭐I am a 53 year old married woman, with a BS degree from a prominent University. Research, including reading peer reviewed papers, is not unfamiliar to me. I also have an interest in Tantra, and a couple of years ago, began studying/practicing it, so I am by no means an expert, but I do have an understanding of some of the tenants and proven methods that are based on a thousand years of Tantric practice and the knowledge gathered from it and I am reading, practicing and learning all the time.Mr. Kerner gets somethings right. Yes, women need more attention, a longer time to become aroused (women’s erectile cells all engorge individually, rather in unison like a man’s erection does) and more thoughtful gestures and interaction, rather than mechanical movements. Hooray for pointing this out. But he misses some of the science that explains why what works for one woman, won’t work for another. And, I should point out, this book is entirely written for women ages 18-40-ish. There was a brief mentioning in one chapter that a woman’s age can change her needs, but this point is worthy of more than an afterthought in passing, and it cannot be emphasized enough. Women’s bodies go through massive changes during perimenopause, which lasts 7-10 years, and then final changes as a woman enters menopause. If you are a younger man, trying to please the target age group for which this book is intended, then it will serve you better, but keep in mind the caveat that you will have to learn more if you are in a long term relationship as your woman ages. BUT, if you are reading this to please a more mature woman, take it with a grain of salt. Because your woman will have very different needs, not only for pleasure, but also to prevent injury as women lose collagen in their external skin during perimenopause, so too does their vaginal tissue. Tearing, more frequent bladder infections, yeast infections and real discomfort during sex can be real issues. But, with an even more targeted and prolonged build up to rigorous sexual activity, all the potential issues will be addressed and remedied. Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay—women need more as they age.In Naomi Wolf’s book: Vagina, she delved deep into the science (citing scientific peer reviewed papers) of neural wiring in women. Whereas a man’s neural wiring of their genitals is pretty straight forward and only varies slightly from man to man, Women’s neural wiring is much more vast (more linear feet of it, literally), and has much greater variations. This is why one woman can only orgasm from clitoral stimulation, and yet some women can orgasm from anal, some from breast stimulation alone, and some from vaginal penetration alone. That is biological difference. But…here’s the good news I have learned from Tantra, women can increase that neural wiring to enjoy a broader range of sexual spots than she was born with, by practicing and teaching her body how to orgasm from different stimuli.So I take issue with Kerner’s statement that breast play is a male pleasure only and women do not get pleasure from it. The nipples are wired directly to the uterus and vagina, as any woman who’s given birth and then subsequently breastfed will know. As a nursing baby feds, a woman can feel contractions in her womb and birth canal (which can be strong and uncomfortable at times), because the nursing helps to strengthen and return them both to prebirth size and vigor. 30 years ago, obstetricians were recommending women to breast fed to get this benefit, so it’s established science. How he missed it is beyond me. A woman’s nipples are directly wired to her clitoris also. This is proven scientifically, and Tantra has known it to be true for eons and emphasizes the importance of attention to the breasts as an erogenous zone during foreplay, to “awaken” the clitoris and increase blood flow to the genitals.And he is dead wrong about the G-spot. Sure, it’s connected to the clitoris and perhaps also the A-spot and cervix. BUT, you can find the “spot” which when stimulated will bring a woman to orgasm by the differing texture of it, which feels different (rougher with more texture) than the rest of the smooth vaginal tissue. I have had G-spot orgasms without ever touching my clit and they feel way more deep than a clitoris orgasm, which honestly, to me, is the low hanging fruit of orgasmic potential and the least powerful. Sure a clit orgasm is better than none, but it’s not the holy grail by far. All I am saying is don’t deny women the opportunity to enjoy the G spot because some mansplaining fool thinks it’s an insignificant appendage of the clitoris. It’s not, and it is sexually significant to women.And, another thing he failed to discuss that I could not find in this book was reference to the vestibular bulbs. They are hugely important, and that “vaginal cuff” to which he is referring is largely thanks to the vestibular bulbs swelling from being engorged with blood, because they are part of a woman’s erection, and they flank the opening of the vagina on either side and cushion the vestibular area for penetration. Incidentally, if those bulbs are not fully erect, women can suffer damage during penetration, and this gets more pronounced as women age. The Vestibular Bulbs are also a source of orgasmic potential, and he does not point this out, which is a travesty and disservice to both men and women. I have had very deep, abdominal orgasms from my vestibular bulbs. Very butterfly feeling, invigorating orgasms. No, they are not side dressing, they can be the main event.He also fails to mention that a woman’s cervix is a source of a potential orgasm, and does not elaborate on the A spot (my personal favorite, possibly due to my neural wiring(?)), or the O spot and only talks about the perineal spot as if it’s on the exterior, which is wrong, since it can be stimulated 1-2″ deep, on the posterior side of the vagina internally. Again, another potential source of an orgasm.So, if you are wanting a launch point to start pleasing younger women, then sure, this could be a good primer. But please do not think it’s the entire story or the end of your education. You will be selling yourself short in the affection/pleasure you can offer and in becoming a master in delivering pleasure, and you will be selling women short, which is the same ol’ story in Western society for last 1,000 years.If you want more info, a good place to start is Sheri Winston’s book “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal.” It’s a comprehensive guide to the anatomy of women, scientific, complete and with great diagrams and follow up explanations which address the physiology in an enlightening way. This book was the introduction which got me interested in Tantra, because for years, I could not get out my head and fully enjoy the oral sex being performed on me. It was Winston who taught me to focus on nothing else but my breath and the pleasure I was feeling from oral stimulation. So my husband’s efforts, while good, were ACTUALLY NOT being absorbed by me fully. Guys, if your woman can’t get out of her head, nothing in Kerner’s book will be of use. It won’t be intentional on her part per se, but he is right about women getting so much negative feedback about their bodies, it’s hard to feel comfortable, at times with attention to a spot that is largely seen as gross, dirty and a source of shame. It’s not her fault but Winston’s tips to help her relax are easy to implement and will make any tools you take from Kerner’s book land and not be a waste of your time. Good luck and I wish you a lifetime of learning and sexual pleasure.

⭐I learned a huge amount from this book. I look forward to putting my new knowledge to work!

⭐I love this book. Dr. Ian Kerner explains sex and women’s pleasure in a way that just makes sense. His background in English truly shines through and I loooooved the way he used Elements of Style as a touchstone. Kerner can truly turn a phrase and make language sing. I found myself enamored with the voice that shines through and the approach Kerner takes in explaining this topic. THIS IS A MUST READ.

⭐“She Comes First” is very highly recommended. It has opened my eyes. It has significantly increased my confidence. It has made me a much better partner/lover.I stumbled upon the book while searching for “The Joy of Sex.” At the time, I was newly divorced and in search of direction prior to re-entering the dating world. Based on the reviews, I purchased both books. Unfortunately, I read TJS first. It was somewhat enlightening, but nothing I would recommend. After sitting in my desk for more than a year, I read SCF. It was an eye-opener. I never realized how little I knew about the female anatomy. After reading the book I better understood why over the years women said I was “too fast” and/or “too rough.”Although I was a little overwhelmed at times with the technical aspects of the book, the first time I put the techniques into practice I was shocked how easy it was to step up my game. I made a VERY GOOD first impression with the new woman in my life. The responses to my moves were overwhelming. For the first time, I felt like I knew what I was doing. Throughout the night and in to the early morning, I always prioritized her. My contentment took her by surprise. I truly focused on savoring all aspects of pleasing her instead of worrying about my needs/desires. Since this was our first time together, this approach went a long way towards allaying her concerns that my interest might be short-term. As a result, I have laid the ground work for building a key facet for a strong, long-term “relationship.” I stress relationship because the book is about much more than sex. It’s a paradigm shift.Unfortunately, my ex-wife will never experience the benefits of my enlightenment. Our sex life was very routine/dull. Although SCF wouldn’t have saved our marriage, it might have eliminated an Achilles heel we never discussed.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++P.S. – The more I practice, the better I be”come.” So far, my record is providing five orgasms in one day, across two sessions. I have discovered three ways to GUARANTEE results. I have gone from an amatuer to an expert. Trust me, the techniques work wonders. MOST IMPORTANTLY, my insecurities are gone. Also, by prioritizing my lady-friend, I have rightly made her feel very special. SHE ALWAYS COMES FIRST, in and outside of the bed!!! This makes my life easier and enhances our relationship :-)+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++P.P.S. – As recommended, candle light is essential!!!

⭐Well written. Got for someone who really needed direction and wasn’t receptive for conservation. Gave as a gift. Just as with any book, if you don’t read it, it’s a waste of time and money. I recommend this for anyone who cares about being better in the bedroom. Take what you will from it, put that knowledge to use, you and your partner will be much happier in this area of life.

⭐I read this book, as a woman, because my partner wondered why I never orgasmed through oral sex. It had happened once or twice during my first sexual experiences as a teenager and then stopped. Thankfully, I have no problems climaxing through regular sex and am blessed with regular multiple Os so there really was no problem, but I was curious. So I read the book, my partner, as a typical man, did not. A lot made sense to me and so I found myself giving suggestions to him from what I read, in particular the biology. I don’t think many men (and women) realise how extensive an organ the clitoris is and that it all benefits from attention. Cutting to the chase, I was able to receive my first oral sex orgasm in 30 years. I must have been grinning like a madwoman from ear to ear for at least a week after. And it continues to happen. There is no question that it is all down to this book. Many, many thanks to the author.

⭐I thought this book was good for beginners in the art or those that knew they were lacking. Personally I already do a lot of the stuff they say in here and have had praise from multiple partners so who am I to argue.My main issue with this book is the military precision involved. My long term partner would soon become aware of the patterns and would ultimately become bored of the predictability but if your thing is multiple short term partners then by all means keep doing it they’ll be grateful and never know you learnt it from a book. My take on this book is to look for things you can do if you don’t already do them but vary it! Five long licks in a certain area followed by five short licks in another area will soon become predictable. The main points I took from this book are the pauses where you lay your tongue on her vulva and just keep still. Also the areas around the clitoris that I never knew about and I also never knew that you weren’t supposed to dive straight in for the head from the start. So, lots of good advice but just add bits of these to your armoury and vary what you do, every time! Sometimes long and slow and other times just go for the quick orgasm, she’ll love the variation. So on the whole a good book for beginners and a decent reminder to those who think they know it all. As to role play, please don’t

⭐There is a lot of stuff at the beginning explaining why it’s important that she comes first. If you bought this book, you already know that. The instructions are simple, practical and “hit the target”. Simple tips that make a huge difference. Easy to read. Practical.Downside – it’s a bit too mechanical in the approach. But take it as a suggestion and improvise for lots of fun.

⭐Great book even for women to read. I learnt so much from reading this book about my sexual organ. A must read indeed!

⭐This book was OK. Definitely there were some useful insights, and I’ll keep hold of it to refer to on occasion if I need to sharpen up my tongue technique! It seemed to me that the key information in this book could have been condensed into a much shorter book. Possibly such a short guide would not have justified writing a full book, who knows.Also, there were some sections of the book where the author compares cunnilingus techniques to art or music or quotes literature. These “artistic flourishes” were completely over my head and lost on me. They didn’t bring any clarity to the table whatsoever (I am very much your average bloke in the street after all!)It took me about 4 hours to read the book. After finishing it I did wonder if I would have been better off watching a selection of the many freely available adult videos on the internet these days to actually see “best practice techniques” in action rather than just reading about them. A bit like you might watch a video on Youtube to see how to carry out a DIY job at home, it just makes things clearer doesn’t it! And its free .A useful book, but not the holy grail in my humble opinion.

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