Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger by Leonard Scheff (PDF)

Description

Don’t get mad. Get calm. Ask yourself: “Do I really want to be angry?” Leonard Scheff, a trial attorney who used anger to fuel his courtroom persona, realized the answer had to be no. Anger is toxic. Anger is in the eyes of the beholder. Using simple Buddhist principles and applying them in a way that is easy for non-Buddhists to understand and put into practice, Scheff and Susan Edmiston have created an interactive book that helps readers change perspective, step-by-step, so that they can replace the anger in their lives with newfound happiness. Based on the Transforming Anger workshop Shceff created, The Cow in the Parking Lot shows how anger is based on unmet demands, from the reasonable (we want love from our partner) to the irrational (we want respect from a total stranger) to the impossible (we want someone to fix everything in our life). The authors show how, once we identify our real unmet demands, we can dissolve the anger. The same is true for our “buttons”—once we understand them, we can defuse what happens when they’re pushed. We learn to laugh at ourselves, a critical early step in changing angry behavior. We learn how to deal with the anger of others, and ultimately how to transform anger into compassion. And finally, we learn the liberating truth: Only you can make yourself angry.

User’s Reviews

Editorial Reviews: Review “One of the best books I’ve ever read on anger. It’s lucid, comprehensive, and filled with valuable insights. Readers will discover not only an effective approach to overcoming anger, but the wisdom and methods to achieve a profound inner transformation–a life less troubled by destructive emotions, a life of greater happiness.” –Dr. Howard C. Cutler, coauthor with the Dalai Lama of The Art of Happiness “Drawing on Buddhism’s profound understanding of the mind, The Cow in the Parking Lot provides many insights and revelations about reducing anger and creating greater happiness in your life.” –John Tarrant, author of Bring Me Rhinoceros and Other Zen Koans That Will Save Your Life “The Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger offers one of the best titles available on anger management. It’s packed with insights and techniques that advocate getting calm instead of angry, and comes from a trial attorney who used anger to fuel his fiery courtroom presence. Buddhist wisdom permeates a powerful survey of what provokes anger and how to turn it aside.” –California Bookwatch “Using simple Buddhist principles and applying them in a way that is easy for non-Buddhists to understand, Scheff has created an interactive book that helps readers change perspective, step by step, so that they can replace the anger in their lives with a new found happiness.” – Clinton Books, New Jersey“This little gem of a book is full of practical advice, illustrated by engaging stories of ways to recognize―then handle―episodes of anger in our lives. It is funny at moments, thoughtful and thoroughly eye-opening in others, and requires no adherence to a Zen lifestyle to gain its benefits.”? ― Book Passage, San Francisco―Management Today“Scheff, a lawyer and Buddhist who has conducted seminars on anger management, and journalist Edmiston take a fresh approach to the perennial issue of anger, which they identify as a way of responding to unmet needs or wishes. They show how, through the application of simple Buddhist ideas, readers can alter their responses to life’s anger-inducing moments and move from anger toward compassion. VERDICT: This book is aptly pointed at those who are curious about Buddhist spiritual practice in today’s world, with its many opportunities for rage and frustration; it should appeal to religious readers as well as mothers, business leaders, teachers, and others.”― Library JournalWhat do cows and parking spaces have to do with managing a third sector workforce? Quite a lot, if your day-to-day life involves finding yourself in a situation where you might succumb to feelings of frustration or anger. The Cow in the Parking Lot, by Leonard Scheff and Susan Edmiston, says you can manage your anger in a positive way through the power of Buddhism. So when a colleague screws up, a donor pulls out or a charity campaign misfires, reach for the yoga mat, assume the meditation position and chant your cares away … You may be wondering where the cow comes in. Well, imagine you’re in a supermarket car park, circling for that elusive space. You find one, but before you can reverse in, someone else has swiped it. Now imagine that, instead of another driver, a cow has lumbered into the space and settled down. Your anger dissolves into bemusement. Scheff and Edmiston explain that once we understand our anger “buttons”, we can defuse a situation if they’re pushed. Alternatively, just picture the cause of your frustration – be it a boss, colleague or donor – as a docile cow. That will soon have you smiling. – Emma De Vita is books editor of Management TodayWhat do cows and parking spaces have to do with managing a third sector workforce? Quite a lot, if your day-to-day life involves finding yourself in a situation where you might succumb to feelings of frustration or anger. The Cow in the Parking Lot, by Leonard Scheff and Susan Edmiston, says you can manage your anger in a positive way through the power of Buddhism. So when a colleague screws up, a donor pulls out or a charity campaign misfires, reach for the yoga mat, assume the meditation position and chant your cares away … You may be wondering where the cow comes in. Well, imagine you’re in a supermarket car park, circling for that elusive space. You find one, but before you can reverse in, someone else has swiped it. Now imagine that, instead of another driver, a cow has lumbered into the space and settled down. Your anger dissolves into bemusement. Scheff and Edmiston explain that once we understand our anger “buttons”, we can defuse a situation if they’re pushed. Alternatively, just picture the cause of your frustration – be it a boss, colleague or donor – as a docile cow. That will soon have you smiling. – Emma De Vita is books editor of Management Today“The Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger offers one of the best titles available on anger management. It’s packed with insights and techniques that advocate getting calm instead of angry, and comes from a trial attorney who used anger to fuel his fiery courtroom presence. Buddhist wisdom permeates a powerful survey of what provokes anger and how to turn it aside.” –California Bookwatch About the Author Susan Edmiston, a former editor at Redbook and Glamour, writes for New York, The New York Times Magazine and Book Review, Esquire, The San Francisco Chronicle, and Women’s Day. She lives in Berkeley, California. Leonard Scheff, a successful trial lawyer in Tucson, Arizona, is also a practicing Buddhist who, for the last fifteen years, has conducted seminars on managing anger.

Reviews from Amazon users which were colected at the time this book was published on the website:

⭐Why did I start reading this book?Because I got frustrated at idiot drivers on the roads. Because I got angry when I saw litter and dog poop in the park I go to. Because I’d have stressful days at work and bring it home with me.I didn’t like being angry and I felt immense guilt whenever I became overwhelmed by it—in the aftermath of consequences of course.What did I get out of the first chapters of the book?AWARENESS.Amazon review reader, I found out I was very addicted to anger. I didn’t like big hits, I liked to micro-dose it.I figured since I rarely yelled and didn’t punch walls I had my anger “under control”. But really, it was always there eating away at me.Basically, I realized MANY small, stupid, petty things throughout my day would frustrate me, every day, adding up to a lot of time spent being angry inside my head.This book put anger at the forefront of my mind. I started paying attention to every instance and, if I caught it quick enough, began questioning the anger itself.It helped me realize the insane number of things I CHOSE to let frustrate me.But here’s your fair warning:This is not a passive book. It has exercises it asks you to do, often, especially near the beginning. And they really help.I’ll be honest, there were many times I’d be invested in the teaching of the book and when I saw it was leading to an exercise I’d groan and just close the book. Sometimes it would be days or weeks until I could be bothered to do the exercise.But I always ensured to not keep reading until I had done it and given it my full effort and attention.Because self-development and transformation is WORK. It isn’t fun, it’s often a lot of thinking, writing, and talking for not a lot of answers. Just often small crumbs signalling some kind of progress.But the great thing is that by sticking with it at some point I reflected on the last few months and realized it had been a while since I’d gotten truly angry. i.e. Angry in the ugly way that made me seek out a book like this in the first place.“Good for you but what about the book?”Right ok yeah.So basically the authors write in a way which, for my mentality, was REALLY useful. They explain things rationally and with a sound logic. They’ll say one thing and I’d immediately think “Pfft ok but I can easily think of a counterpoint to that.” And then lo behold a few pages later I read “You may be thinking [insert counterpoint I absolutely was thinking] and to address that…”They don’t ever leave a statement or advice out there hanging. They back it up, provide analogies, metaphors, parables and whatever else to really help illustrate the point from many angles. They write from a very clear and direct point of view.That’s not to say you’ll like/agree with everything, but at least it’s been thoughtfully written with authenticity and integrity.I really do recommend this book.But only if you’re looking to understand anger for what it is, for guidance to find your own answers, and are willing to do the work to make changes for yourself.

⭐I love this book it changed my life. I don’t want to over share but after reading reviews on Haribo 5 pound bag of sugar free gummie bears, I feel safe doing it. I never saw myself as being an angry person, but get this … I was. Explosively! Anything would set me off! My friends would often tell me constantly to get help & I would just ignore them & say that they were the ones with the problem. I’d use my anger to try (but fail) to manipulate, dominate & control just about everyone & every situation in my life. One day something harmless drove me to the edge of nearly causing someone I loved very much physical harm. I can’t tell you how that terrified me. It was only then that I admitted to myself… I was angry & needed help. So glad I read this book. This books approach is very very gentle. I don’t want to spoil this fantastic read for you. However, I also don’t want you to pass up this opportunity. So I’ll say this book despite the title ,is in fact very logical Captain. While at the same time coming across understanding & compassionate. Because that’s it’s nature it eases you into “ah moments” when you gain insight into understandings about yourself. This book takes very little work. Each chapter has one section where you are asked to do a little self examination. I don’t want to spoil it, so I’ll just say that many chapters in tandem with the exercises (another book I read) had me take a– logical & very understanding, compassionate look at myself. I’m 40 today I can’t really express you you how I needed this to happen in my life. I can’t tell you how close to the razors edge I really was. How am I today & what did I discover about myself & my anger? Anger for me now, I see it as limiting & damaging emotion that hurts no one but me. How am I today? Happy absolutely 100% happy about what life is bringing me everyday. Now I’m aware that life can be different & I can be happy if I choose to be. It’s such a change I decided to make & I’m confident you can too. Now I’m naturally more honest, loving understanding & compassionate to myself, to others. Take my 2 cents worth on this book my brothers & sisters. I want to also mention reading this book & the book, “The One Minute Philosopher” has improved has seriously changed my life. What have you got to lose? Your anger perhaps?

⭐After experiencing some very intense family trauma, I found myself falling deeper and deeper into my anger regarding the situation. I stumbled across this book and it took me over a month to read because each chapter felt like it spoke so directly to me and the struggles I was going through, that I needed a day or two to process how much everything the author wrote about resonated with me. This book also helped me further discover an interest in Zen Buddhism, which has also been extremely helpful for a loss I suffered after reading this book. I’ve struggled with my anger for quite some time and there’s just something about the simplicity, ease and compassion this book has that finally spoke to me after so many rage-filled years spinning in circles. And helped me see the value of letting that go and rising above the response that I’ve used to keep myself safe for so many years. I am truly grateful for stumbling upon this work and for the fact that I get to carry the cut-out from the back of the book in my wallet to remind me of the teachings in this book.

⭐While the book is great, the publisher dropped the ball a bit. The typeface is too thin and grey to stand out against the paper, so you need a lot of light to read this, it’s not a bedtime book. Yes, the edges are cut strange, like they skipped that last step of trimming the right edge of the paper, but it’s just another absurdity. Things happen. The typeface is what the publisher should fix in the next run, more than anything else.The writing cites a lot of other works, or studies, and at times it felt like a compilation of works… maybe it is. It’s all new to me though, so I appreciate it for what it is. The book is easy to read and understand. Harder to implement the teachings, but we’ll get there.

⭐This book is a bit of a blessing. I’ve been angry all my life. Very quick to jump down someone’s throat when confronted. Always immediate with my defence of whatever slight comes my way. I’ve never really known why or what. Put it down to being ‘fiery’ and ‘passionate’. In truth, I’ve been an angry bugger. Unhappy in my self and my mind. This book helped me realise this and gave me some pointers on how to not be like that.It’s well written, has some exercises to do (if you choose to), gives a good insight into what it is that drives anger.It is also a bit of an eye opener to Buddhism and has sparked my interest in what I could learn from the practice.It’s not a fix for anger, more of a way to strive to prevent it and learn from it. Turning anger into something else, more compassionate and productive. I for one feel lucky to have such outburst as it will give me more opportunity to see how I can be compassionate and happy and understanding of the world and people around me.Here’s to my first steps to mindful happiness!

⭐This book just wound me up. The story that gives the books its title about the cow going into the parking space is just silly, which is why it doesn’t work (for me anyway). Perhaps this is great for some people, but if you’re the kind of person that “hypnotherapy CD’s” don’t work for (the one’s that get you to say you’re great over and over again) then this book wont be for you. On the other hand, due to it’s reasonable price, it might be worth a try as you’ve nothing to lose!

⭐Great little book. It doesn’t cover the full range of possible anger triggers and I think some of the negative reviews come from people whose triggers weren’t covered, but in any case there are great practical tips on reframing your interpretations to allow you to respond rather than react to FLIPPING COWS

⭐Some useful ideas, but not nearly what I was hoping for or expecting. And the narrator! I needed a course in anger management just trying to cope with his insulting impressions of Asian accents. In fact, I’m beginning to get angry all over again remembering it!

⭐I will need to read it again because there is a lot to take on, but that’s just life. Very good guide.

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