Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go by Susan Forward (PDF)

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Is it impossible to let go — despite the pain?• Do you yearn for someone who is not physically or emotionally available to you?• Do you believe that if you love him enough he will have to love you?• When you feel insecure, does it drive you only to want her more?• Do you find yourself phoning repeatedly or waiting long hours for the phone to ring?Do you wish someone would let go of you?• Does an ex-lover or ex-spouse refuse to believe that it’s over?• Do you receive unwanted phone calls, letters, presents, or visits?• Is this pursuit of you creating so much anxiety that it affects your physical or emotional well-being?In this invaluable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward presents vivid case histories as well as the real-life voices of men and women caught in the grip of obsessive passion.Whether you’re an obsessive lover or the target of such an obsession, here is a proven, step-by-step program that shows you how to recognize the “connection compulsion,” what causes it, and how to break its hold on your life so that you can go on to build healthy, lasting, and pain-free relationships.

User’s Reviews

Editorial Reviews: Review “Riveting! Once again, Susan Forward has shone a light on relationships in her uniquely compassionate and dramatic way.”— Dr. Barbara De Angelis, author of What Women Want Men to KnowBantam Books by Susan Forward:Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them:When Loving Hurts and You Don’t Know WhyObsessive Love:When It Hurts Too Much to Let GoToxic Parents:Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life From the Inside Flap Is it impossible to let go ? despite the pain?? Do you yearn for someone who is not physically or emotionally available to you?? Do you believe that if you love him enough he will have to love you?? When you feel insecure, does it drive you only to want her more?? Do you find yourself phoning repeatedly or waiting long hours for the phone to ring?Do you wish someone would let go of you?? Does an ex-lover or ex-spouse refuse to believe that it?s over?? Do you receive unwanted phone calls, letters, presents, or visits?? Is this pursuit of you creating so much anxiety that it affects your physical or emotional well-being?In this invaluable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward presents vivid case histories as well as the real-life voices of men and women caught in the grip of obsessive passion.Whether you?re an obsessive lover or the target of such an obsession, here is a proven, step-by-step program that shows you how to recognize the ?connection compulsion,? what causes it, and how to break its hold on your life so that you can go on to build healthy, lasting, and pain-free relationships. From the Back Cover Is it impossible to let go — despite the pain? – Do you yearn for someone who is not physically or emotionally available to you?- Do you believe that if you love him enough he will have to love you?- When you feel insecure, does it drive you only to want her more?- Do you find yourself phoning repeatedly or waiting long hours for the phone to ring? Do you wish someone would let go of you? – Does an ex-lover or ex-spouse refuse to believe that it’s over?- Do you receive unwanted phone calls, letters, presents, or visits?- Is this pursuit of you creating so much anxiety that it affects your physical or emotional well-being? In this invaluable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward presents vivid case histories as well as the real-life voices of men and women caught in the grip of obsessive passion. Whether you’re an obsessive lover or the target of such an obsession, here is a proven, step-by-step program that shows you how to recognize the “connection compulsion,” what causes it, and how to break its hold on your life so that you can go on to build healthy, lasting, and pain-free relationships. About the Author Susan Forward, Ph.D., is an internationally renowned therapist, lecturer, and author of the number one New York Times bestsellers Toxic Parents and Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them, as well as Betrayal of Innocence: Incest and Its Devastation, Money Demons, Emotional Blackmail, When Your Lover Is a Liar, and Toxic In-Laws. In addition to her private practice, for five years she hosted a daily ABC talk-radio program. She has also served widely as a group therapist, instructor, and consultant in many southern California medical and psychiatric facilities, and she formed the first private sexual abuse treatment center in California. She lives in Los Angeles and has two grown children.Dr. Forward maintains offices in Sherman Oaks, California. For further information, call (818) 986-1161.Craig Buck, a film and television writer and producer, has also written extensively on human behavior for many national magazines and newspapers. He is the co-author, with Susan Forward, of Toxic Parents, Betrayal of Innocence, and Money Demons. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter. Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. Chapter 1The One Magic PersonI can’t believe I did all those things. The phone calls, the drive-bys, the letters, the tantrums, the threats … it just wasn’t me. But it took me so long to get him out of my head. The way he looked, the way he smelled, the way he touched me … he drove me crazy. — MargaretIt was Margaret’s last day of therapy. She had worked hard to break free from the painful obsessive patterns that had been plaguing her for the past three years, and she had largely succeeded. She was a very different woman from the depressed, desperate, volatile Margaret I had first met a year and a half earlier.Margaret is a willowy, red-haired, thirty-four-year-old divorcée who works as a paralegal with a large law firm. She came to see me because her preoccupation with Phil — a lover who was clearly not interested in a monogamous relationship — was making her feel like she was losing control of both her personal and her professional life. She was becoming increasingly short-tempered with her ten-year-old son. She was making careless mistakes at work. And she was alienating her friends by avoiding them, not only because she wanted to be available in case Phil called, but also because her friends were virtually unanimous in their criticism of Phil.The Thrill of a New RomanceMargaret met Phil about six years after she divorced her husband. She had been dating on and off but had been unable to find anyone with whom she was interested in establishing a serious relationship. After six years, she was getting pretty discouraged. She hated the bar scene. She had already met most of the single men her friends knew, but nothing had developed. She had even gone to a video dating service — both the dates she’d had as a result had been disappointing.Margaret met Phil at the courthouse while she was assisting her boss in the defense of an embezzlement suspect. Phil was a police officer, testifying in a highly publicized murder case. Margaret first saw him in the cafeteria during the lunch break.MargaretThis gorgeous hunk sat down across from me and it was lust at first sight, which hadn’t happened to me in years. We started talking and he asked me out that same night. I remember coming home after that date and as soon as I closed the door I broke into this little victory dance. Within a week we were seeing each other almost every night. It was an incredible high. During the day he’d call me at work and I’d get the most delicious butterflies in my stomach just hearing his voice. I was really in heaven.Even though Margaret was describing the beginnings of what was to become an intensely obsessive relationship, there is nothing in her description that could not just as easily describe the beginnings of some healthy relationships. Most of us relish the giddy feelings that Margaret talked about. When we first fall in love, we feel like we’re walking on air. Flowers smell more fragrant, music sounds more beautiful, the sky seems bluer, our pulse quickens, our mood soars.These heightened sensations are not just imaginary. Physical changes are triggered in our bodies by romantic feelings, hopes, and fantasies. Our heartbeat quickens, we become flushed, our adrenaline pumps, we experience hormonal changes, and our brains release endorphins — the body’s natural opiate. As a result of all this chemical activity, love is a physical state as well as a state of mind.The Idealized LoverIn the thrill and passion of a new romance, it is only natural to see a lover through rose-colored glasses. We go out of our way to see only what we want to see, filtering our perceptions through romantic expectations and dreams. This optimistic filtering of reality is called “idealization.”You can see idealization at work in Margaret’s description of Phil.MargaretAfter a couple weeks, he told me he was in love with me. I was ecstatic. He was so perfect. I felt like my life was finally rounding out. Not only did I have a job I liked, and my son seemed to be doing okay, but now, finally, I had this fantastic guy. The sex was great, the talk was great, he cooked these romantic meals, he even fixed my car for me. I felt totally safe with him, not just physically but emotionally. I’d finally found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He made me feel like I was more than I’d ever been before, like I was finally a whole person. And I knew there was no one else on earth who could make me feel that way.Margaret jumped to a lot of conclusions about Phil simply because he was a good lover and fun to be with. She really didn’t know much about him. It would have been impossible for her to have learned much about his character or his past relationships in the two short weeks of passion that they’d shared. Yet she was convinced that he was “perfect,” that he would make a lifetime commitment to her, and that he — and only he — had the power to make her feel like “a whole person.”I certainly don’t mean to imply that Margaret did anything unusual. We all idealize. This is especially easy to do in the early stages of a relationship, since new lovers are typically on their best behavior. We all put on our best face when we are attracted to a new person. We make a special effort to be as alluring, charming, witty, sympathetic, flattering, and accommodating as we can. This is part of our mating ritual.However, while this behavior might reveal certain facets of our personality, it can’t possibly tell the whole story. We all have our moody days, our petty jealousies, our knee-jerk reactions, our rigid opinions, and our unattractive habits. And we certainly don’t want to reveal any of these to a new lover.In the heat of a new relationship, as we downplay our own shortcomings, we don’t give much thought to the fact that our lover is doing the same. Under these conditions idealization can’t help but thrive.The One and OnlyIn healthy relationships, idealization helps lovers believe that — maybe — they have found the person of their dreams. But healthy lovers give themselves a safety net called reality. They hope their relationship will work out but also recognize that it may not.Obsessive lovers, on the other hand, work without this net as they struggle for balance on the high wire of romantic expectations. In the heightened reality of obsessive passion there is no room for doubt. Obsessive lovers live by an unshakable credo:This is the one — and only one — magic person who can meet all my needs.Obsessive lovers truly believe — sometimes without realizing it — that their “One Magic Person” alone can make them feel happy and fulfilled, solve all their problems, give them the passion they’ve yearned for, and make them feel more wanted and loved than they’ve ever felt before. With all this power, the One Magic Person becomes more than a lover — he or she becomes a necessity of life.There are no prerequisites for the One Magic Person. It is not necessary that he or she be especially attractive, intelligent, witty, or successful or possess any other qualities we usually associate with desirability.In fact, some obsessors fall in love with deeply troubled or even addicted lovers. These obsessors are irresistibly drawn into relationships by a deep-seated need to be needed and a belief that they alone can save their lover (as we’ll see in Chapter Four).Obsessors’ fantasies and expectations about their One Magic Person may have little to do with who that person really is and everything to do with what they themselves need and how they expect that person to fulfill those needs. No one really knows with absolute certainty why one person has such a powerful effect on another. But something about the One Magic Person clearly taps into the individual needs and yearnings that lie deeply embedded in the obsessive lover’s unconscious.The Mental SculptorIn healthy relationships, as lovers grow more emotionally intimate, they begin to feel secure enough to reveal themselves as real people with shortcomings. The romantic expectations of these lovers naturally evolve to reflect the changes that this increased honesty brings to their relationship. If they don’t like what they find, they have the choice to leave the relationship.But leaving is not an option for obsessive lovers. No matter what the reality may be, they create the relationship they want in their minds. Like mental sculptors, they shape their expectations, using wishes, rather than truth, as their clay. These expectations are remarkably resistant to the inevitable hammer blows of reality.My friend Don is a regular Rodin when it comes to mental sculpting. Don is a stocky, balding, soft-spoken, forty-two-year-old attorney whose James Joyce glasses give him a distinctly academic look. He was born and raised in Georgia and still retains a charming trace of a southern drawl. When he heard I was working on this book, he told me the story of his torturous, on-again-off-again, five-year-long obsessive affair with a married woman.DonI met her when I was in my last year of law school. I was working part-time in a bookstore and she came in — the most gracious, elegant, gorgeous woman I had ever seen. I was captivated from the moment I saw her. My first response was “God, I would love to be involved with her.” As fate had it, I was talking to a friend when she walked over and just kind of entered into the conversation. She had this gorgeous British accent and this beautiful translucent skin and these eyes … she just knocked me out. We talked for a while, then my friend left and I suddenly had this impulse to ask if I could take her to dinner. She looked at me, and said, “I’m sorry, but I’m married.” Normally, that would have been the end of it, but this time the words didn’t matter to me. I couldn’t just let her walk out of my life. I needed to find a way to spend time with her, no matter what. So I asked her if she’d be willing to join me for a cup of coffee, just to talk. When she said “okay,” I thought I’d died and gone to heaven.Don fell in love at first sight, just like in the movies. But there was a problem — from the first moments of their meeting, Don knew Cynthia was married. In other circumstances this would have discouraged him, but Don was convinced that he had found his One Magic Person. So he began to mold his own reality to eclipse the magnitude of this stumbling block.DonWe began to have lunch together pretty regularly, and we’d talk and talk and talk. She was very British, so she wasn’t used to discussing her feelings openly, but that only intrigued me more. Then one day we took a walk on the beach. The sun was shining, the water was shimmering…. I looked at her and I just … leaned over and kissed her. It was the most amazing moment of my life. After that, all I wanted to do was be with her, all I could do was think about her. As we got to know each other a little better, she finally began to talk more about herself and her marriage.Cynthia had come to the United States when she was eighteen to study piano at Juilliard. A year later, she had met her husband, a physician fifteen years older than she. They married, and she gave up her studies to move to the West Coast with him.DonShe’d always resented giving up the music, but she never talked to her husband about it. She never talked to him about anything. She said she’d never been able to open up to him like she could with me. She said no man had ever been so tender and warm and caring and sincere with her as I was. Here was the woman I’d dreamed of since I was a teenager, and she was making me feel like I was the only man for her. I knew it was only a matter of time before she’d leave her husband, even though she never talked about it. I started checking the paper to see how much it would cost to get a bigger apartment when she was ready to move in with me. I even asked around for the name of a good divorce attorney so I could give her a reference when she was ready.At this point in their relationship, Don had only established a platonic friendship with Cynthia. They had ventured as far as a kiss on the beach, but that was it. But from this one kiss and a few tender words, Don had become convinced that he and Cynthia were destined to be together.Don began to fantasize extensively about what their life together would be like. First he would help her through her divorce and settle into an apartment with her. She would continue working as a travel agent until he finished law school. Then he would be able to support them both, freeing her to quit her job and go back to her music. He pictured her sitting in their living room at the piano, beside a blazing fire, bewitching him with the sensual strains of Chopin and Brahms. He saw them jetting to London to visit her family, then hopping over to Paris to share a bottle of young Beaujolais on the banks of the Seine. And always, always, these scenes would culminate in a frenzy of passionate lovemaking.Cynthia gave Don no indication that she was inclined to leave her husband, but this in no way prevented him from developing the conviction that she would. Don’s extravagant fantasy constructions reduced the fact of her marriage to little more than a minor annoyance.Worshipers From AfarMost mental sculptors have at least some romantic encouragement from which to springboard their fantasies, even if it’s only a few dates. But it is not necessary for a target to encourage his or her obsessor. In some extreme cases, the One Magic Person may not even know the obsessor’s name.Laurie, a registered nurse in a large midwestern hospital, called in to my radio program one morning in tears. She told me she was in her early thirties and had left an abusive marriage two years earlier. She hadn’t been involved with anyone since. But now she was madly in love with a doctor at the hospital where she worked — a doctor who may have seen her in the hallways but otherwise had no direct contact with her. Read more

Reviews from Amazon users which were colected at the time this book was published on the website:

⭐I saw a lot of people give me the side eye when they saw obsessive love as the title to this book. Just as everyone else, they continue reading and see the part about letting go and decide to look away. This is something that we all need to work on and I think we have all had at least one point in our lives where this is happened to us. This was recommended to me by a friend and I’m glad that I made the purchase because I have been doing a lot of self reflecting and it’s working.

⭐I first picked up this book several years ago when I realized that I had some issues around being addicted to a person. I have found it very helpful because some of the stories themselves parallel my own issues, and also because it has helped me to recognize characteristics of the persons with whom I form such unhealthy attractions. This very well written book explores the symptoms and results of being addicted to a person. Author Susan Forward’s basic premise is that a person who tends to be relationally addicted will be drawn to somebody who, for various reasons, becomes for him or her their One Magic Person. Through this person, the addicted one relives certain negative childhood experiences, hoping to make them come out right this time. In the majority of cases in the book, the addicted one eventually drives the other one away through their jealousy, possessiveness or what-have-you, and from that point the addict’s focus switches to getting the other one back. This can take the form of unwanted visits, phone calls and gifts. In one of the sadder cases, the pursuer is reduced to sitting in a car outside the other one’s house hoping for a glimpse of the beloved from time to time. Sometimes, the pursuer takes revenge against either the other one’s property or, in a couple of very tragic cases, the other one’s person. The case histories in the book are partly told in the words of the addicted one, with comments by the author. There is a chapter devoted to the ones who are pursued, although even in this chapter, the focus goes back to the pursuers. If it appears as though the pursuers are the always the bad guys, this is not the case. Sometimes the ones who are pursued are using the pursuers (who normally fall into a particular category that Forward calls “Saviors”) and setting them up for a fall. These folks cannot be driven away until their web of lies and deceit are exposed. Finally, there is a section on how to let go of the obsession. One of the strongest and most helpful parts of this section is the reminder that if the other party has cut off all contact, the relationship is over. Forward expresses her surprise at how many clients she sees who, even though they may not have heard from their ex-partner in months, still believe that they have a relationship with that person. I highly recommend this book to anybody who has, or thinks they have, an addiction to a person. It’s a great reminder that we are not alone in this illness and that help is available.

⭐About 9 years ago, I purchased this book. In my opinion, it really separates the forest from the trees. I read it so much that I ordered a new one today in Hardcover from Amazon.What I especially like about this book (and all of Dr Forward writings):1 She lists a checklist of questions to answer about relationship problems. This was the MOST helpful thing for me as I was able to understand my (now past relationship) clearly and make decisions about what to do.2 She lists cases and stories of past clients that I found truly helpful. I could relate.3 Dr Forward writes in a very conversational manner. It is like she is sitting next to you on your sofa speaking to you.4 Having read and benefitted from several of Dr Forwards books, I must say this is my favorite one!Highly recommend this book.

⭐Great suggestions how to heal from obsessive thought.Non-judgmental. Excellent case histories.Keeping a journal and writing out thoughts turned it all around for me and got my thinking out of the distorted realm and back on track. I still have obsessive thoughts creep in periodically but not often.This book was my Bible. I don’t think I would have come through this scary, hellish, nightmarish experience as quickly as I did without it.To know I am not alone and other good people have experienced obsessive love addiction gave me so much comfort and hope.To separate thoughts from feelings was a real eye-opener.This book coupled with talk therapy and grief therapy (unexpressed, held-in grief from old wounds) has been a life-saver. LIterally. I’m learning I have been “out of my body” for a long time (since sexual assault at age 15 , and coming back into itand being able to feel my feelings has been akin to giving birth. Painful but liberating. Thank you Susan Forward. I will read all your books. You are a saint !

⭐The book was easy to read and simple to understand. I would consider it to be a good book for beginners (as an introduction to obsessive love), but I would probably supplement it with other reading material.I bought the book because I was the target of an obsessive lover and I wanted to understand his behavior and the root of obsessive love a bit more. I ended up learning a bit about him and myself after reading this book. I related a lot to Karen’s story…she and I are what the author calls “co-obsessive lovers…” we have some obsessive tendencies of our own (also our indecisiveness and weak characters contribute to their obsessiveness). Anyhow, I am no longer with my partner, but after reading the book I was motivated to seek help so that I don’t make the same mistake in the future.

⭐This book is awesome and I would recommend it to anyone who is having problems letting go as it will most likely happen in the next relaionship. . I wish I had read it 25 years ago when I first fell in love and found myself having trouble moving on after each relationship fell apart. There is a pattern … this book brings it to light and helps you to understand this behavior and know that it can be fixed once you acknowledge and recognize it. By reading other peoples problems with obsessive behaviors it made it easy for me to look and accept my own, deal with it and look forward to letting go of this disruptive and unhealthy behavior immediatly!This is a keeper and one I will re-read again!!

⭐Really easy to read and grasp. A tough subject well presented. Not much more needs to be said. Excellent choice for those who are battling with co-dependency issues or are healers trying to reach a point across.

⭐Great book really informative, makes you think about your own actions. Gives a great perspective from both sides, the obsessor and the person receiving the obessors attentions. The way the book is written is clear and easily understandable.

⭐Really enjoyed this book, it made perfect sense, looking at patterns of behaviours, and gives solutions

⭐Awesome book that explained it all perfectly.. I hate to say I have some traits!!

⭐I’ve bought this book 3 times and have given it away as gifts for friends that have a hard time letting go with break ups. The stories are therapeutic and help ease the anxiety. Dr. Susan Forward includes checklists and a systematic approach to dealing with the immediate pain and anxiety and will help you get over the person that doesn’t want you in their life. If you are the target of an obsessor, this book will also give you strategies to make a quick, clean break, which is, in the end, the best situation for both parties involved.

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